Boroman Rehab
by HerLadyAwesomeness
Summary: What happens when LOTR characters seek guidance from Boroman? Read and find out.
1. Boroman Rehab: Pippin

Boroman Rehab: Pippin

The first client on the list is Pippin. A hobbit native to the Shire, has come today to get over their obsession with food

* * *

BOROMAN: Um, hello there. Pippin is it?

PIPPIN: Yep!

BOROMAN: I see. And you are here today because you are in love with food?

PIPPIN: OMG FOOD! WHERE!?

BOROMAN: Well, that answers that question. So, Pippin what is it about food that interests you so much, as to the fact is has almost nearly taken over your life?

PIPPIN: (Now talking very fast) Weeeeeelllllllllllllllll, I really enjoy all the food out there, but give me say chocolate, MMMMMM CHOCOLATE, and well I just go a LITTLE bit crazy. OOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!! AND I REALLY REALLY LOVE MUFFINS!! THEY ARE THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER AND THEY JUST MELT IN YOUR MOUTH ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE BLUEBERRY, I JUST ADORE BLUEBERRY MUFFINS!!!!!!!!! DO YOOOOUUUUU HAVE ANY MUFFINS DR. BOROMAN?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

BOROMAN: *While cowering behind chair* Noo, I don't have any muffins, but I can see now why you love food so much. *Muttering to self* Crazy little hobbit, why did I take this stupid job?

PIPPIN: I HEARD THAT!!!

BOROMAN: So, if I wanted you to be quiet, all I have to do is give you food?

PIPPIN: OMG FOOD! WHERE?  
BOROMAN: *Muttering to self again* Well, this won't help with your obsession in any way possible, but it might just get rid of my migraine. *Now speaking aloud* Hey Pippin, yeah. You want a biscuit? It comes from the Shire.

PIPPIN: OMG A SHIRE BISCUIT!!!! GIMME! GIMME!

(Boroman hands over a biscuit, and suddenly Pippin makes a disgusted face and tries to get the taste out of their mouth.)

PIPPIN: This is not a Shire biscuit! It taste like it's from Rohan!

BOROMAN: Correct, and incorrect. It's from Gysengard.

(Pippin falls over twitching)

BOROMAN: (Begins to leave the room, muttering to self) Stupid hobbit, stupid job, stupid biscuit. No wait it got the hobbit to stop talking, never mind.


	2. Boroman Rehab: Goldilocks

Boroman Rehab: Goldilocks

The second client of Boroman is yet another hobbit. Not quite as annoying as the first, but still has her share of problems. Goldilocks has anger issues with the men who hang around. Especially a certain Faramir. (My stupid half brother that Pippin just had to save from being burned alive. I have issues with people to.)

* * *

Boroman: So Goldilocks let me get this straight. And I quote, "You want stupid dummy Faramir to go off to battle and not come back, because he would have died of some stupid lame death like tripping over a stick, and then have been kicked over and over again because he is a stupid dumb boy?"

Goldi: *Grinning widely* Yes, that's exactly what I want to happen.

Boroman: Well, as much as I would like that to happen, it won't.

Goldi: And why not.

Boroman: Because Faramir is too stupid to trip over a stick. He would probably trip over something large and obvious like a dead orc lying on the ground.

Goldi: Are sure he would even go near a dead orc?

Boroman: He is a wimp, I do have to admit. That's why daddy dearest loved me more.

Goldi: Really? I thought it was because of your incredible modesty.

Boroman: Aww. Thanks.

Goldi: Are you really a therapist?

Boroman: NO, I am not a therapist. That can be turned into "the rapist" if you add a space. I prefer the term psychiatrist.

Goldi: My bad. So can we get back to my issue?

Boroman: Right, right. So I've come to the conclusion that the only way to rid of your issue is to eliminate the problem.

Goldi: So we're gonna go kill Faramir?

Boroman: Not so much kill as then brutally injure.

Goldi: But that's no fun.

Boroman: Well I'm not supposed to encourage killing people at this job, but there is absolutely nothing against suggesting injuring a person.

Goldi: You are a good therapist.

Boroman: Psychiatrist!

Goldi: Well, I'm gonna go have a "friendly" visit with Faramir now.

Boroman: I'll get the door and drive the carriage there.

Goldi: Why thank you.

(Both exit chatting about how stupid boys are especially a certain few which included Faramir.)


	3. Boroman Rehab: Frodo

Boroman Rehab: Frodo

Frodo is yet another hobbit who has serious issues with emotions. Though not as aggressive as Goldilocks, and not as loud as Pippin, still just as insane.

***************

(Boroman is totally unconcerned with this client because Boroman is fed up with hobbits. So, throughout the session Boroman is doodling on a piece of paper, not paying much attention to anything.)

Boroman: Frodo is it?

Frodo: *In a hissing psycho voice* _Yeeeeessssssss_. _I am the amazing Frodo!_ *In normal voice* Nooo! I AM FRODO! *Psycho vice* No I am.

Boroman: Should I be concerned about this? Is this what you meant by "emotional issues?"

Frodo: *Normal voice* YES! *Hissing voice* _NNNNOOOOO! I HAVE NO ISSUES!_

Boroman: Then why are you here?

Frodo: *Hissing voice* _Becaauusse this insignificant bearer of the rrriiinnnngg is trying to rid of meeee._*Suddenly hissing voice goes Californian girl* _And I don't know why, cuz I'm like totally awesome and stuff!_

Boroman: Uhh huh

Frodo: *Normal voice* Get out of my head! NOW!

(Suddenly Boroman looks at a clock and realizes the time.)

Boroman: Oh darn look at the time, too bad, so sad, maybe next!

Frodo: *Normal voice* But, you didn't help me at all! *Hissing voice* _I don't neeeeedd help, your services wereee not required._

Boroman: Then I'm still wandering why you came.

(Boroman slams door in Frodo's face as Frodo turns around to say something else.)

Boroman: Stupid hobbits with their stupid split personalities.


	4. Boroman Rehab: Sam

Boroman Rehab: Sam

So it seems that the only people coming to rehab are all hobbits, and it is beginning to bug Boroman. This Sam hobbit is apparently prone to saying random things, and has no self control.( Also this Sam hobbit is on Boroman's nerves for reasons only known by Boroman and friends. Stupid Sam.)

* * *

Boroman: Hello there Sam.

Sam: Boob Cow! Fesco!

Boroman: Can I assume these are the stupid comments you blurt out randomly?

Sam: Yess you NNNNNEEEAAAhH Spit!

Boroman: What does that even mean?!

Sam: -

(Boroman is thrown against the wall by the force of that huge sneeze.)

Boroman: YOU KNOW WHAT SAMWISE GAMGEE!!!!!!!! YOU ARE POSSIBLY THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON I HAVE EVER MET! AND I HANG AROUND WITH PIPPIN! SO EITHER GET OUT OF MY OFFICE OR I WILL NICELY "ESCORT" YOU OUT! O.K.!

Sam: Don't get your knickers in a twist poop on a baby!

Boroman: THAT'S IT!

(Boroman suddenly leaps out of chair and grabs Sam by the neck. Then with a sheer force of strength, that nobody knew Boroman had, Sam was "nicely" chucked out the window into a pile of rocks. Though not dead, Sam was severely injured.)


	5. Boroman Rehab:Merry

Boroman Rehab: Merry

Today we have yet another freakin hobbit. I'm starting to get slightly annoyed with them. But, I think I'll pay attention to this one. Maybe. Merry is the name of this hobbit and they have trust issues.

* * *

Boroman: Merry…you have trust issues?

Merry: I don't know if I should be telling you that.

Broman: *Muttering to self* this ought to be fun. *Out Loud* Ok if that's how it's gonna be then maybe I'll just leave you to sort out your own problems.

Merry: I don't think that I can do that. I really don't think anybody can sort out my problems.

Boroman: Then why did you even bother to come here in the first place?

Merry: I was doing what some therapist call "taking the first step."

Boroman: See now that's the problem! You can't trust a therapist. Not that you really trust anybody in the first place.

Merry: That's not very encouraging. Maybe I should leave.

Boroman: No! I figured out what's wrong with you!

Merry: You know that's not very nice to say. I don't think you're a real therapist.

Boroman: Ugh! That's the thing! I'm a psychiatrist! See, you've only been to "therapist" before, not a psychiatrist. See, you've actually started opening up to me!

Merry: Your right, I am!

Boroman: See, I actually am good at my job! *Muttering* No matter how much I hate it*

Merry: Maybe you need a therapist.

Boroman: A PSYCHIATRIST!

Merry: Well, maybe you have some anger issues to work out as well.

Boroman: Get out!

Merry: Jeez, sorry that I was opening up to you.

Boroman: Just leave!


	6. Boroman Rehab:Faramir

Boroman Rehab: Faramir

We finally have a non-hobbit client! Even though he's just a human it ought to be interesting. Especially due to the fact he has been receiving anonymous threats from over six different people. (Not that me or Goldilocks have absolutely anything to do with them…)

* * *

Boroman: *Slightly pissed off* Faramir, my half brother, how are you?

Faramir: Not to swell Boromir.

Boroman: BoroMAN, you imbecile.

Faramir: My bad. Anyways I'm here because I received threats from multiple people lately. I don't know why anyone one would do that though, because I'm just plain incredible and I'm always right.

Boroman: Are you really?

Faramir: Of course I am! Now, do you want to read one of the letters?

Boroman: Sure, why not. *Muttering* I probably wrote one of the letters he's about to hand me anyways.(Faramir hands over a letter, and then Boroman reads it aloud. Faramir cringes at every "mean" part of the letter.)

Boroman: Here's what it says…

"Dear Faramir,

You are a stupid dummy boy, and I'm glad that I no longer have absolutely nothing to do with you, because you are stupid. And dumb. And a boy. Also, you are not better than everyone else. And don't think that I don't know you actually believe that. Also, you should see somebody about your TWSS syndrome. It's really annoying.

Signed,

An anonymous girl who thinks your annoying."

Faramir: Isn't it just the scariest threat you've ever heard?

Boroman: Technically, that letter wasn't a threat at all. It was just insulting you and suggesting that you see someone about your TWSS syndrome. By the way, what is that?

Faramir: TWSS syndrome is "That's What She Said" syndrome.

Boroman: Maybe you should leave and have somebody check that out.

Faramir: That's what she said!!!

Boroman: Yeah you should go.

(Boroman opens door letting Faramir out. When Faramir leaves Boroman begins to mumble to self)

Boroman: Stupid Faramir with his stupid letter from Goldilocks. Which, by the way, was a terrible insult letter. I'll have to tell her that next session.


End file.
